In some cases the news isn’t breaking, it’s broken.
Breaking/Broken News You Might Have Missed: in some cases the news isn’t breaking, it’s broken:
1. Las Vegas Raiders Traded for the Country of Chad.
The owners of the Las Vegas Raiders have traded the storied football franchise for the country of Chad.
After revealing the trade– the very first of a sports team for a whole country– the representative stated, “The 16.8 million individuals of Chad will reap tremendous monetary benefits from a terrific football franchise, and from the managerial competence of the Raiders group.”
Chad’s incoming Management Team promised local elections will still be held in villages and urban communities, though all national policies will be in the hands of Management.
When the Raiders’ brand-new stadium has been completed, Chad’s Management Group has actually assured a nationwide lottery game in which the winners will be flown to Las Vegas and offered box seats to a Raiders video game and comped spaces and $100 in betting chips at one of the city’s casinos.
“Manchester United was also in the running,” an unknown source disclosed, “however the people of Chad sensibly chose the Raiders.”
Chad’s incoming Management Team provided a statement concerning their plans for the country. “We see a bright future for Chad as the video gaming capital of Africa, a future that will considerably improve the incomes of Chad’s impoverished residents.” The representative likewise noted the “wonderful chances for regional companies in Chad to make Raiders swag and Raiders-branded clothing,” merchandise which is presently made elsewhere.
According to public opinion surveys, Chad’s residents are unfamiliar with American football and would have preferred trading their nation for the Los Angeles Lakers.
2. Overloaded Ferryboat Capsizes in Indonesia, all Passengers Miraculously Saved
It looked like yet another capsizing-ferry disaster in the making in rough Indonesian waters up until a billionaire’s super-yacht modified course to pluck the 248 passengers and crew from the water.
The private yacht’s captain relayed the bright side that not just were all passengers and team rescued in spite of the rough seas, “We not just were able to accommodate all guests and team in our visitor cabins, we have a variety of guest quarters that are still uninhabited and readily available for media and federal government visitors.”
The super-yacht’s chef is preparing a meal for the grateful survivors of lobster tail, caviar, quinoa with sliced up truffles and fresh blueberry sorbet. “Luckily we simply restocked in Bahrain,” the chef said. “Our entire staff is honored to serve the survivors a wonderful premium meal to boost their spirits.”
Unfortunately, 2 pigs and 6 chickens appear to have actually been lost when the ferryboat sank.
3. Big Tech Willingly Accepts Compensate All Content Creators Who They Prohibited or Shadow-Banned
In a spectacular turnaround of the usual business stonewalling and greed, America’s Big Tech firms– social networks and search– have voluntarily accepted fund a $1 billion fund to compensate those content creators who the companies banned, shadow-banned and demonetized without any legal precedent or structure.
“Given the details supplied to us by the FBI and other federal companies, we thought we were serving the nationwide interest,” the consortium spokesperson stated. “We are sorry for accepting these instructions without thinking about the severe Constitutional offenses that compliance incurred.”
Off the record, the spokesperson admitted that many of those who will get payment “went from delighting in a middle-class earnings for their imaginative material to eating cat-food below a freeway underpass” after their content was demonetized.
The statement kept in mind that the settlement does not show any admission of wrong-doing or liability for the untold damage Huge Tech unnecessarily inflicted on the Constitution, the nationwide interest and content developers who were shadow-banned and demonetized with no proof or option.
In a coincidence that might offer those damaged by Big Tech’s unconstitutional censorship some paradoxical amusement, the consortium’s administrators’ names are H. Kafka and J. Orwell.
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