Big Tech: “Our Terms Have Changed”

So proceed and state whatever you desire around all your networked gadgets, but don’t be shocked if bad things start taking place.

I got another “Our Terms Have Changed” e-mail from a Huge Tech quasi-monopoly, and for a modification I really read this one. It was a revelation on several fronts. I’m reprinting it here for your reading enjoyment:

We wished to let you know that we recently upgraded our Conditions of Usage.

What hasn’t changed:

Your use constitutes your contract to our Conditions of Use.

We own all the material you create on our platform, devices and networks, and are totally free to monetize it by any means we pick.

We own all the data we collect on you, your gadgets, purchases, social media networks, views, associations, beliefs and illicit viewing, your area data, who you remain in proximity to, and whatever information the networked devices in your house, automobiles and work environments gather.

We have the unrestricted right to ban you and all your material, shadow-ban you and all your material, i.e., produce the impression that your content is easily, openly readily available, and erase your digital existence completely such that you disappear other than as a corporeal body.

What has changed:

If we discover you have favorable views on anti-trust enforcement, we might report you as a “person of interest/ prospective domestic extremist” to the National Security Agency and other federal agencies.

Rather than react to all disputes algorithmically, we have actually established a Star Chamber of our most biased, fanatical employees to adjudicate customer/user disputes in which the customer/user refuses to accept the algorithmic mediation.

If a customer/user tries to call any enforcement firm regarding our algorithmic mediation or Star Chamber adjudication, we book the unrestricted rights to:

a. Prepare voodoo dolls representing the user and stick pins into the doll while shouting curses.

b. Hack the targeted user’s accounts and blame it on Russian or Ukrainian hackers.

c. Performance the user to a corrupt kleptocracy in which we maintain undue influence, i.e., the United States.

Left unspoken, naturally, is the potential for “mishaps” to take place to anyone openly promoting anti-trust enforcement of Huge Tech quasi-monopolies. Once totalitarianism has been privatized, there are no guidelines that can’t be overlooked or broken by those behind the drape. So go on and say whatever you want around all your networked devices, however do not be surprised if bad things begin taking place.

Editor’s note: this is satire. If I disappear, then you’ll understand who has no sense of paradox or humor.

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